It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Mile and a half on the treadmill today, Citarella meatloaf, mozz balls, bell peppers, hummus and a potato pancake for lunch. Also some baby carrots, which really should be called ICU carrots, because they were clearly born premature. Seriously, I've never seen such tiny baby carrots. They look like little orange baby fingers, actually. Yesterday I had salmon florentine (spinach and diced tomato) with green beans, and I've been taking down bananas like one of my simian ancestors. Trying to load up on potassium with those and coconut water so that workouts don't hurt so much the day after. I slept like a baby last night even without melatonin, but I stayed in bed a lot later than I wanted to this morning. Even a couple of beers made me sluggish today, but I still forced myself to exercise. I have to find a way to get more protein. I haven't been this skinny since I was in high school. 148 lbs is really low for me, and I want to bulk up to at least 160 by working out. Otherwise I'll just lose the rest of my body fat and none of my clothes will fit.

Thought I was going out again tonight, but I have to get up too early tomorrow, so I'll just stay in and draw or read a book. Maybe I'll pick up my Mark Twain autobiography again and read some more of that. It's not something I could stick with for any stretch of time because it's over 1500 pages. All it really consists of are the ramblings of an old man, albeit interesting ramblings, and it's pretty disjointed. One chapter will be childhood stuff, the next will be something from later in life. It jumps around so much that you really just pick it up and read a few chapters, then put it down for awhile and read something else. I have a few books on my list right now, and I think I'm finally going to start Gang Leader for a Day, a book that I picked up a long time ago and never read. It looks like it will be fascinating.

I went to World Pie in East Hampton tonight for a few drinks with a friend. Got to see the end of the Knicks game. They just acquired Carmelo Anthony and they actually BEAT the Miami Heat! Shocking. I'm not at all a basketball fan, but it was fun to see the ending, because the whole game was a battle between the teams separated by 1 or 2 points. I might see the friend I went with again tomorrow. It's my day off, but we might meet up around 8 or 9, because every other night of the week I get home kind of late or have to get up super early in the AM. Monday is really my only day off at the moment, and since after April 1st I'll probably be working 7 days a week I might as well enjoy the time I have to stay out "late" (11PM lol).

It was a fun night out tonight. World Pie does flat bread pizza, kind of like a place I used to get delivery from in MA. It wasn't quite as good at World Pie, but decent nonetheless. The place had the coolest ceiling fans I've ever seen, and I don't meant "cool" as in... well, "cool." They had a whole pulley arrangement that drove about 5 to 7 different fans, all connected to the same mechanism, and the one belt turned all of the fans. Never seen anything like it before. It was a very old school place, and I'd definitely go back to try out some of their other food.

As promised, here is a picture of the cuff links and tie tacks. They're not anything special, I suppose, but just the fact that Jim gave them to me meant more than he'll ever know. They aren't the most stylish as far as today's fashion goes, I don't think, but the tie tack in the middle with the tiger's eye is really nice, and I do like the set on the right quite a bit.

Starting April 1st I begin a new project, with the option to work for Jim 5 days a week, 10+ hours a day. In addition I'll keep my job with Besim, and between the two I'll be taking home around $4000 a month. It's so exciting, and it's really only the beginning of what should be a lucrative career with him. My goal is still to make a living from my artwork, and I'm spending most of my free time working on my drawings. Jim knows a high profile individual involved in all art related events and spaces on the east end of Long Island. He's offered to introduce me once I get my feet fully under me and my portfolio is where I need it to be.

Last night I drove Jim up the island for dinner, and he gave me a little present. 3 tie tacks and two sets of cuff links that belonged to his father. It really meant a lot to me, and it's great because I always wanted to wear French cuff shirts, but I never had any cuff links. He's such a generous guy, and I really feel like he's taken me under his wing. I feel like I've landed on my feet, as the saying goes, and things keep getting better. Over the summer I will get to spend a lot of time with Jim at his house, hanging out and working, which means smoking cigars, use of the pool, going to the beach and other things. He doesn't really like people, but we get along perfectly despite the fact that we couldn't be more different. I think it has something to do with our attitude towards other people and how we think about and treat friendship. He knows that I always try to do the best that I can and that I go above and beyond the call of duty to make him happy, and he responds in turn. He knows that I would do anything for him, and he treats me the same way. Sometimes fate conspires to put two people together who need each other. I needed a job and a career, and having a mentor is a huge bonus. He suffers from peripheral neuropathy and has trouble getting around. He says that if he didn't have me he'd never leave the house, wouldn't be as involved in his business (his son runs it for the most part) and would never go out and do anything. It's obvious to me how much he appreciates having me around and the things that I do for him, and it makes me feel great to know that I'm helping someone who sees how much effort I put into my job and that I really do care about him. He knows that I'm not just getting through the hours to get a paycheck, and that makes me want to do more than what he expects as much as possible.

I'll post pictures of the cuff links, just for fun, later tonight. I'm going out after work, somewhere in East Hampton, probably to have a few drinks. It's been difficult to get up early enough to exercise, but I'm trying. Jim had surgery a month ago and is just getting over it, but he usually goes to the gym every day. Last night he said that if he can get back to going all the time he'd buy me a membership so that we could go together. That would be the ultimate motivation.

I usually work a half day on Fridays, so I will hit the treadmill for the first time in a long time after work. There are a lot of things that I want to do, things that I haven't done probably since high school. I was a regular jogger up until the end of my Freshman year of college, and I'd at least like to be able to take my bike around town once I get my legs under me. I've been toying with the idea of joining an adult softball team for awhile, and that might happen this summer if I don't convince myself to get into roller hockey instead. I want to do one of these things, but since I already know how to play softball I'll probably forgo learning hockey til I'm in much better shape.

I went bowling twice last weekend, and started throwing a hook. I have to go and pick out my new ball and get it drilled. It's been on my list for months now but the place I have to pick it up from is way up the island. I bowled a 184 the first day throwing a hook, and 199 two days later. Something tells me I should probably be in a league. One of my meetup groups has some game nights coming up, and another does bowling trips pretty often. It's not exactly painting the town, but at least it's something to do until I meet more people. One of the hardest things about living out here is meeting anyone my age that I have something in common with. You would not believe how few people even live here in the winter, and the summer crowd is just not me. I have to do everything by the cycle of the seasons. There is practically nothing available to rent in the middle of winter, for example, and you have to pick either the spring or fall to find anything decent.

My Godspeed concert is coming up in about two weeks, so I get to see the Daves and hang out in the city, not to mention seeing a band that has been broken up for like the past decade. I still haven't had a chance to listen to the new Radiohead album, mostly because I can't seem to find five minutes to sit down and relax.

I started cleaning out my car a few days ago. I really want to get a new one, because it's getting to the point where I don't necessarily trust it to make long trips anymore. The summer is the slow part of one job's schedule and the busiest of the others, but I hope that I can get away and do some kind of trip like the one I just took to Frisco. New scenery always inspires new artistic ideas in me, and the southwest is a place I could visit a hundred times and still not have seen everything I want to.

Part of the reason this blog gets very little attention is that I have a notebook I use. I did a little project and created a pocket in the back of a nice spiral notebook to hold small sheets of drawing paper, and I pasted in a lot of sketches, both older and more recent, so that I have a kind of art/life journal all in one. I've done a lot of sketching, which always fills me with new ideas, and it's great for when I can't carry my larger Moleskine book around. That's my favorite thing to draw in, but being that it's 18x24 it's not really practical to take everywhere.

I'm getting more involved in the office side of Jim's shop, and starting to learn about his business aside from just him personally (which is a task in itself with his OCD). If I were to describe our relationship here nobody would believe it, so I won't even try. Suffice to say it's like having a best friend and a boss all in one. I've got to say that I've never been happier living on Long Island or less worried about my financial future. The only problem is, as I said, finding people my age that I can relate to. I'm sure it will come in time, as I get more involved in the art community here.

Fridays are always a bit up in the air in terms of scheduling, but I figure to get an early start and maybe get some exercise in before work even starts. I'm not a morning person, usually, but that's when I have most of my energy as long as I've gotten a good night's sleep. I am sleeping better and better, partly because of melatonin. The 5-HTP I take is essentially an SSRI according to my therapist. Depression and anxiety are linked, and I feel more calm and in control lately. I've taken them for 9 months now, but even so I notice more improvement as time goes by. I feel more comfortable with myself and my life, and the direction I'm headed in. That's not to say there are no bad days, but I convinced myself there were a lot of things I didn't like to do, and it's only recently that I've started to realize how many things I used to enjoy doing with my free time that I just stopped having the energy or motivation for. That's why I'm so looking forward to the summer. Jim and I have big plans, and I'm setting a lot of personal milestones and making bigger ones that I expect to reach over the next several months.

Back from my trip to San Francisco, walked all over the city and environs. Hiked Muir Woods and took plenty of photographs. Haight-Ashbury was a necesary destination, got offered some bud, but declined. We ate in a nice little restaurant serving only organic food and sat in the back patio section under palm trees, sipping Sierra Nevada and talking about family. Golden Gate park was slightly disappointing. They had a beautiful flower conservatory, but the whole park is criss-crossed by streets and sidewalks, and it's impossible to find an isolated spot. Even photography was stifled by the pavement and concrete, and the foot traffic was ridiculous, even for a 60 degree day. I can only imagine what it must be like in the summer, especially wight Haight street so close. We planned to take a night tour of Alcatraz, but that plan was scrapped since I only had 5 days in the area. I stopped into a Goodwill on Haight street and picked up a couple of really nice button down shirts, Banana Republic and Claiborne for less than 20 dollars total. On Sunday night we had dinner at the Buena Vista Cafe, the (in)famous saloon whose noteriety derives from the invention of the Irish Coffee. I didn't partake of their claim to fame, but had a Marzen instead, made by a brewery I wasn't familiar with and now whose name I don't recall. San Francisco is home to Anchor Brewery, and although we couldn't take a tour of the facility due to the long waiting list I had plenty of their Steam beer on draught. Across the street from the Buena Vista is Tiernan's Irish Pub, where we had lunch earlier in the day. I had something I've never tried before, namely garlic tossed french fries. Don't ask me why I'd never had this before, but it was food fit for a god, and I smelled like garlic for about 24 hours afterward. Overall a great trip, sore legs from climbing all of the hills, and a renewed vigor and determination resulting from the relaxation and inspirational scenery.

Cigarettes are well and truly history. I'm under 150 pounds still, and just started exercising again. By the summer I want to be able to go to the beach and look good, and there are several hiking/camping trips I'd like to do. Joined a site called meetup.com, which has groups for people with similar interests. I haven't been to an event yet, and some of the groups appear defunct, but there are a few things coming up I plan to attend.

I've set myself a budget, and my parents are more than half paid off, as well as one of my credit cards. I'm going to take out a loan to consolidate my debt, cosigned so that I can get a better interest rate, and by the beginning of summer I should have everything paid off and be living in my own place. My ultimate goal faded into the distance for a time, but I can't stop striving. Setbacks can only last so long, and I've been getting serious the past few months. One final push will put me where I want to be. Originally I wanted this to catalog my journey out of debt, but since I'm pretty far along already there doesn't seem much point. Plus, with two jobs and the number of hours I'm working it's hard to find the time.

I'm ready, willing and able. No excuses, no procrastination, no wallowing. I can see the top of the mountain, and it looks good.

Record keeping has been moved to paper and pen, but I guess I should keep this for those inconvenient times when implements are unavailable.

A life cut down to basics, stripped of all artifice and devoid of accessories. Chop wood and carry water. Meditate, observe, move forward.

Monetary struggles have eased, as soon as the summer rental season hits I'll be on my own again. Striking out into this brave new world, lighter on my feet than I have been since high school. Less than 150 lbs. Astonishing. Keep pushing the diet towards the healthy end of the scale more and more... plans for the future are artistic and social. Attended a party last week and made friends with ease, a side effect of my new work environment as well as attitude. I've come to the conclusion that as much as I generally shy away from them, it turns out that I'm really pretty good with people, which suggests I should spend more time with them. Leaving for San Fransisco tomorrow to see the hulking evil bones of Alcatraz and the deleriously semi-conscious ruins of the Love Generation. Hippie Hill and Haight Ashbury.

All news is new.