There would have been a time for such a word.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I'm going to start medication next week. I don't know how it will affect me, what it will do to my feelings of loneliness--invalidate them or leave them unchanged. I hope for invalidation for the sake of my sense of ambition and drive to move forward. Without a way to disconnect from what I've so far perceived as an irreparable and permanent sense of loss I don't see a clear future. I still hold out hope for an impossible outcome, for the story to end a different way. I just can't conceive of the possibility that all of this is not real, or that I'm wrong somehow for feeling the way I do. A year later and still the emotional attachment persists and I find myself completely unable to focus my attention on someone else. Every time I begin, at some point I'm forced to abandon it and start over. I know how wrong I was in what I did in the past, and I've wanted only to make things right all this time. Being completely denied the opportunity has resulted in a huge internal struggle which almost tore me apart several times. I understand why things have to be this way, but not if they have to be this way forever. I will never accept the explanations I've been given, or the assertions that degrade the importance of a relationship that profoundly changed who I am and what I believe in and stand for, what I want out of life, and made me realize how much I'm willing to work on myself for the sake of someone else.

I hope that someday something will change. Right now some form of logic is dictating the way things are, but any type of logic can't endure when it comes to love. I will continue to wait, to live my life as best I can and do what I need to do to be comfortable, and keep hoping that someday will come. I know how unlikely it is, but I see no alternative except to bury my feelings completely and try to love again with half a heart. If I live forever in a private purgatory holding on for a day that never comes then so be it.