It's such a little thing to weep,
So short a thing to sigh;
And yet by trades
The size of these
We men and women die!

There would have been a time for such a word.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I'm going to start medication next week. I don't know how it will affect me, what it will do to my feelings of loneliness--invalidate them or leave them unchanged. I hope for invalidation for the sake of my sense of ambition and drive to move forward. Without a way to disconnect from what I've so far perceived as an irreparable and permanent sense of loss I don't see a clear future. I still hold out hope for an impossible outcome, for the story to end a different way. I just can't conceive of the possibility that all of this is not real, or that I'm wrong somehow for feeling the way I do. A year later and still the emotional attachment persists and I find myself completely unable to focus my attention on someone else. Every time I begin, at some point I'm forced to abandon it and start over. I know how wrong I was in what I did in the past, and I've wanted only to make things right all this time. Being completely denied the opportunity has resulted in a huge internal struggle which almost tore me apart several times. I understand why things have to be this way, but not if they have to be this way forever. I will never accept the explanations I've been given, or the assertions that degrade the importance of a relationship that profoundly changed who I am and what I believe in and stand for, what I want out of life, and made me realize how much I'm willing to work on myself for the sake of someone else.

I hope that someday something will change. Right now some form of logic is dictating the way things are, but any type of logic can't endure when it comes to love. I will continue to wait, to live my life as best I can and do what I need to do to be comfortable, and keep hoping that someday will come. I know how unlikely it is, but I see no alternative except to bury my feelings completely and try to love again with half a heart. If I live forever in a private purgatory holding on for a day that never comes then so be it.

I keep writing and writing and never come to any resolution. I don't feel like I've been treated like a human being, and so I don't feel like one anymore. I feel more like an animal, or some kind of nuisance. Nothing brings me any satisfaction, I'm doing things to fix what I can in my life, like my debt, my living situation, but without purpose. I don't know why I'm doing those things, just doing them because of some vague notion that it's what I'm supposed to be doing. What I wouldn't give for some sign that someone cares, that someone wants to see me happy. That would make all the difference for me, but the more time that passes without it, the less I see it. I need someone to help me, and no one will. So I've withdrawn even more. I don't know why, I just can't deal. My life was ripped open and shown to the world, so now I don't trust anyone, I don't talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone. But at the same time I need someone to be close to, and that's not going to happen. I just want to disappear, to vanish and never be seen again. I'm sick of this world, I'm sick of this body, this mind, this defective machinery. I hate it. I don't want things to hurt anymore.

"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.  
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.  
For want of a horse the rider was lost.  
For want of a rider the battle was lost.  
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.  
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

"All neurosis has its root in vanity."

I'm owed quite a lot of money by Besim at the moment. While we were moving the store I asked him to stop paying me and just log my hours. I think I'm owed about 2 grand by now, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Stock has been way down for awhile now, and two days ago he got about 24 boxes of cigars in. It was a six-thousand dollar order, so by not paying me he got a third more cigars than he would have been able to otherwise. In the middle of winter I wouldn't do something like that except for a week or a few days because it's too hard for him to catch up and he'd wind up too far behind. But right now I can pay my bills with what I'm making working for Jim and I just think of this as a forced savings. Things are getting busier, and during the summer money really isn't a problem, and 2 grand is nothing. I'm not worried about getting the money, and I'm trying to allow him to keep putting it off until Memorial Day so that we can have as many cigars on the shelf as possible. The more stuff there is the more people buy, the more word of mouth will spread that we have a good selection, etc. It's a kind of investment. I was hoping to be able to even put things on my credit card for him, but I haven't been able to do that yet. Like I said, money is never a problem here during the summer, so I'd get that money back, and the better he does the more bills he can pay and get out of debt, and the more the business can succeed.

This week, if we start Wednesday, I've so far worked 47 hours. I started at 6 AM Wednesday morning, worked til 11 PM, then came and opened the store Thursday morning, went to therapy, came back and worked the rest of the day, started at 6 AM Friday, went to Brooklyn to pick up a car for Jim and bring it back, then did his errands, left at 6 and came to close the store, and I opened this morning. I made $430 just working for Jim, and both jobs are starting to compete for my time. Almost every day now Besim calls me to come in at some point. I'm scheduled for 30 hours at the store, but I probably put in 35 or more. With Jim I, for the most part, work from Tuesday morning til Wednesday night, and 5 or 6 hours on Friday. The first two days I get paid for about 24 hours. He doesn't pay me to sleep even though we stay in Brooklyn, but it's not that big a deal because for the most part the hours I get paid for are sitting around reading a book or hanging out with him or the people who work in the shop. So I get about 60-70 hours a week, and I'm working 7 days a week now. That's going to translate into a lot of money, and I just have to see how long I can keep it up. There are a couple of days where I don't have to get up super early, so I should be able to catch up on sleep if I miss out because of the long days.

I don't know how long it's going to be before I can get a place of my own. I'm going to start looking at the end of this month, beginning of next, when it'll be a more realistic possibility. I'm floundering at home, and my anxiety is tough to deal with. I feel like someone is always looking over my shoulder and that I'm never doing enough or making enough progress. I've faltered in new routines several times, and part of that is just living with other people and feeling like if I don't spend time with them that I'm not doing the right thing. I really need my own place. I wind up not spending time with anyone but not working on my art or exercising, then when I'm motivated, the guilt of that unspent time keeps me from those things.

I'm trying to figure out with my psychologist how to tackle this problem, which has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. It was more easily dealt with in college because I had deadlines, and if I could somehow make them for myself then I'd be able to force myself to work a lot more. I think the quote I put at the top is a good starting point. I've been told for the longest time about my potential, and I avoid having to approach the subject of exhibiting my work by not having enough done. The reason I subconsciously sabotage myself and avoid these things is that I cherish the fact that I've never been put down, never had a reality check about my work. I don't think that much of it in my own mind. In reality I'm very humble about my abilities in any subject, and it's hard for me to compare myself to others without feeling insecure. I can be a great artist in my own mind the way things are, but the idea of trying to do it in practice is scary. What if I fail? What if no one likes what I'm doing or thinks it's any good?

I have to find an answer for this problem sooner rather than later. I'm afraid of having an empty life.

Still working on the move. I've worked about 14 days straight at this point. Since I paid off some of my credit cards I'm going to purchase some stock with Besim and have him pay me back within 30 days so we don't get charged interest. It's only a few thousand dollars, but it'll be easy to recoup with the season coming on now. Hopefully if we do that once or twice we can get stock up to a good enough level that he'll be selling enough to raise his purchasing power. The better the store does the better it is for me, because I'll get more hours and I might one day actually get a raise. The more stock he has going into next winter the better off he'll be as well. That's usually the time of year when it's hardest to get things on the shelf.

The new location is amazing. It's got great energy, and the way we arranged things looks really good. People are going to really enjoy coming here, and that'll mean more business. All in all things are looking up. Between my two jobs I'm going to have more work than I can handle this summer. We've been working so late here that I haven't had a chance to do much drawing, just a couple of hours here and there. The moving part is basically done, now it's just unpacking and rearranging things. Once that's more or less done and we get back to normal hours I'll have more time to do artwork.

I'm really enjoying myself. Lots of people I haven't seen in awhile are coming in and chatting. It's been a lot of hard work, but I take pleasure in seeing things come together and knowing I had a huge part in making it happen.

I've been helping Besim move into his new space this past week, working 9AM to midnight all weekend, and we're still not finished. There's a lot to do, but this space is so much nicer than the last one that I'm really excited about it. Maybe I'll get some pictures and document the process of becoming so that I have a record of it.

I just bought a few pieces from Gilt Groupe and ordered a custom made shirt and a new tie from Indochino. I haven't gotten around to doing the suit yet. I want to get a tailor to measure me and compare my own measurements with those so that I have less chance of having to do a bunch of alterations.

I haven't started the dating site thing yet. I just don't really feel like dealing with all of that right now. Unless I could find someone where it was actually equal give and take I just don't have the patience to deal with someone who's going to expect me to wait on them hand and foot and be at their beck and call 24/7. I'm enjoying having my own life and not having to cater to anyone else. I'm frankly sick and tired of people my age, and I don't regret leaving most of the people that are out of my life now behind. I can't say that I miss anyone who could, with a straight face, tell me to grow up while they have no job and have leeched off of their parents ever since leaving college. I needed to mature a bit, sure. But I don't need people in my life who are so obsessed by their own petty narcissistic delusions of grandeur that they throw away years of friendship.

Question your assumptions.

As of 4/12/11 my Chase credit card will be at $83.00. By the end of next week, it will be zero. Anyone who's known me for any length of time will realize how huge an accomplishment that is for me. I still have two cards to take care of, but this is a gigantic step in the right direction. I probably won't be completely out of debt until the end of the summer. It depends on when I get my own place. If I can't sign a lease until Sept. then it should all be gone sometime in July. I should be down to one card and starting on that balance by the end of May. It's going to be weird not to have debt. The next goal will be to actually SAVE money. A piece of completely alien terminology, thus far appearing nowhere in the Eric Lexicon.

The more I see from an objective standpoint the more I wonder why I wasted my time for so long.

Rangers are still alive! Should be a sick game tomorrow night.

Hitting the treadmill after work, then some drawing. I'll put up progress pics tonight. I can almost see my abs, now I have to start working on them to get some definition so there's something to see. I must be getting down around 7 or 8 percent body fat. I think under 7 you can see your abs, but I forget what the exact percentage is.

I've been getting back into No Reservations lately. It's such an amazing show, I could go on and on about what a genius Bourdain is. It's probably my favorite television show of all time. An Idiot Abroad is a close second.

Jim is almost done with the outside work he was having done on his house this past month. Once that's done I'll start the new project there. In addition to the painting I'll be doing outside as extra work, he's going to start transferring his personal finances from the city to out here. Right now his CFO handles all of them, but he said there's enough that it'll create a lot of work for me. I'll basically be like his personal finance manager, and start to learn a lot more about the business and his personal stuff. We're going to be doing a lot more work out at the house, setting up an office and doing a lot of filing. We may not go into the city as often, but he's offered to let me stay at his house whenever I want if we're working late or something and I don't want to drive back. He just finished his basement and he's putting in another spare bedroom next to the apartment he made for his caretaker.

The weather has been getting nicer, except for Friday. Today is beautiful, and I can feel spring in the air. It should be a very good summer for me.

I'll do some more pics of my drawing tomorrow. I'm taking it easy tonight after a pretty long week. I have my first and only game of the Rangers regular season on Monday night, which I'm obviously very excited about. I have to go into Brooklyn early Tuesday and stay over into Wednesday, so that's less exciting, but as long as I don't get back too late Monday it shouldn't be that bad. In about the next two to three weeks I'll have my Chase credit card paid off, and I'm getting my tax refund direct deposited. I'll probably have to wait for the state refund, but I've been able to do a lot in a short amount of time. The refund is helping things go faster, but I've been pretty diligent as well. I'll start saving in May for a security deposit on a place, and start tentatively looking to get an idea of what I'll have to pony up. I'm looking to move somewhere around Sag Harbor, maybe in North Sea or somewhere around there. I want to get out of Hampton Bays, and Sag Harbor is a beautiful area. They are supposed to have great night life there, and the town is much busier even than Southampton, so it should be a fun place to live.

I just don't have a lot of time on my hands right now, so there isn't much going on aside from my drawing. I'm keeping a close eye on the playoff push and catching as many Rangers games as I can. We play the Flyers tomorrow, which should be a slug fest, and then the Bruins on Monday. We only have two games left after that, so the next two games will be a big indicator of whether or not we're going to make it in. We were muscling our way in for a couple of weeks, but we've dropped the last couple of games, and our position is a little precarious right now. If we don't win tomorrow I think we'll have to win the last three games in order to make it in. I'm really nervous, but I think if we do get in that we have a good chance of making it to the second round. Beyond that I'm not so sure. It all depends on how well the team buys into Torts' system and gives their all every night. We can be a little streaky at times and that doesn't bode well for us in the playoffs. If Lundqvist is strong, though, we always have a chance to win.

I finally got past the middle of the page on this stage of my drawing, and I flipped it over to start on the other side. Instead of going from the bottom up I decided to do it from the middle and work my way down. I spent two days straight helping Jim put in some underground wires and pipe for his gate/security system. He wasn't going to go into the office, so he offered me as much work as I could handle. I put in 11 hours digging the first day, and about 8 the second. We were pretty much finished by the end of the day Tuesday, so I didn't go over there yesterday. I was completely shot anyway, although surprisingly I'm really not that sore today. I guess working out has paid off. I thought I was going to be in tremendous pain, because at the end of the day Tuesday I could barely hold a shovel anymore, my wrists and hands and forearms were so sore.

I should be getting my tax return soon. I'm excited about that, because I'll be able to take another huge bite out of my debt in one shot. The next few weeks I'll be making quite a lot, because I've been working extra hours for Besim lately. There's really not much to talk about since I've been so busy. I've thought more about it, and I do want to be careful what kind of outside influences I allow into my life, but I'm starting to think that it might not be a bad idea to join a dating site. I think that pretty soon I'll be as ready as I'm going to be to at least start talking to new people and maybe go on a few dates. I'm not looking for anything but a serious long term relationship, and I have no interest in flings or random sex. I just have to be careful that I don't get sucked in too quickly. Any relationship that I get into is going to go very slowly, so that I can make sure I'm dating someone that I actually want to be with, and not just settling. It's obvious to me that my feelings aren't going to go away, and it's just something I have to bury. Just move on and lock that hurt away. It was a waste of time and energy to keep trying to fix things.

I still have to find a day to go talk to my GP about medication. I know I'm putting it off because I'm nervous about it, partly because I'm afraid it won't make a difference. It may take a couple of weeks for me to get around to doing it, but I'm definitely going to give it a try. I've made that a firm decision. Nothing else new to talk about, just work work work.

And so we progress...

The camera lens creates the distortion on the right side of the page making the lines at the top appear to slant, but they don't in reality. This area of the drawing is taking a lot more time than the rest because it's so far up the page. It's hard on my back to work on this section, but I have another half inch on the right section at the top and then I can flip it around and go the other way. I have three new sketches for drawings, just very rough ones, but there are some intriguing possibilities.

Pretty much sums it up. Some people would do well to learn what some of these things really mean instead of just succumbing to confirmation bias.

Lol.

I've been talking with my psychologist and thinking myself about my interest in physics and astronomy, and it's strange, but I feel more free now than I have in a long time to do what I want. The more I think about going back to school to get another degree, the more the idea appeals to me. Even if I wind up selling drawings and being an artist, to me no education is wasted. Besides, I've always been so interested in the inner workings of the universe and I can never get enough information about it. It would be daunting to have to go through calculus and basic math again, and I'm sure there would be a lot of chemistry and calculations that I'd have to learn, but I want to explore the idea anyway. My therapist suggested I go to Brookhaven National Lab and talk to the scientists there. Apparently they have what is essentially an open house at the collider they built there, and it's free. I could at least find out what I'd be getting into, and if that's not enough of an explanation there's nothing that says I can't send an email to someone who works at an observatory or at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. I was watching a show called "The Planets" the other day, and the episode was all about the Mars missions and Voyager and Galileo, and there was a scene with a room of scientists, right at the moment where they recieved confirmation that their first probe had successfully landed on Mars, and they all cheered. I wished with every fiber of my being that I could have been part of that, to be in that room and share in that excitement. It sounds a little far fetched even to me, but I think that I put myself down unnecessarily in college by thinking I wasn't smart enough to be a scientist, or that I wouldn't like doing the math and that would ruin it for me. I think I'd even enjoy something like being a paleontologist. Next to the universe outside of Earth's atmosphere, the biology of living things that existed millions of years ago is the most exciting thing I can think of. I can literally eat up any and all information on dinosaurs, and the history of the Earth from the first life forms is just fascinating. It's not something I could do right now, but I want to save these thoughts for the somewhat near future, when it might be possible to actually do these things.

I also got on the subject of skydiving and flying today with someone, and it made me realize that I really want to paraglide or skydive or something. Even if it was just once and I didn't want to do it again, I think that's something I'd find really exciting. I don't know why, up to this point, I never thought more about things like this, but I'm realizing I can really do whatever I want. Once I get out of debt the world will be open. I heard a physicist say the other day that what he does is a creative process, and that's when it really hit me that I could do this. I could make that dream happen and actually be good at it. A lot of discovery is just figuring out how to test different ideas, and I've always been good at visual spacial problem solving. I may never be a candidate for MIT, but I could figure out a way to test a theory that revolutionizes our understanding of quantum physics, or the universe at large. Who knows? It's at least worth thinking about and doing a bit of research.

In other news, I did get my brother's old guitar working, and it sounds perfect. I haven't had a chance to play much, but I went through a couple of songs that I know. I'm pretty rusty, but it felt great to make music again.

I have a long day helping Jim put in a new service at his house tomorrow. He offered me extra work helping the electricians and the low voltage guys dig and pull wire, and since I've done that kind of thing before I took him up on it. It's going to be a tough day, but it'll allow me to get some exercise and make money at the same time. Tuesday will probably be a lighter day, and we might go into the city briefly on Wednesday. I have to work all day Thursday for Besim, so I have to skip my usual appointment. He had to backtrack out west because of snow on the roads, so I may wind up working Friday for him as well. Yay.