I keep writing and writing and never come to any resolution. I don't feel like I've been treated like a human being, and so I don't feel like one anymore. I feel more like an animal, or some kind of nuisance. Nothing brings me any satisfaction, I'm doing things to fix what I can in my life, like my debt, my living situation, but without purpose. I don't know why I'm doing those things, just doing them because of some vague notion that it's what I'm supposed to be doing. What I wouldn't give for some sign that someone cares, that someone wants to see me happy. That would make all the difference for me, but the more time that passes without it, the less I see it. I need someone to help me, and no one will. So I've withdrawn even more. I don't know why, I just can't deal. My life was ripped open and shown to the world, so now I don't trust anyone, I don't talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone. But at the same time I need someone to be close to, and that's not going to happen. I just want to disappear, to vanish and never be seen again. I'm sick of this world, I'm sick of this body, this mind, this defective machinery. I hate it. I don't want things to hurt anymore.

"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.  
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.  
For want of a horse the rider was lost.  
For want of a rider the battle was lost.  
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.  
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

"All neurosis has its root in vanity."

I'm owed quite a lot of money by Besim at the moment. While we were moving the store I asked him to stop paying me and just log my hours. I think I'm owed about 2 grand by now, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Stock has been way down for awhile now, and two days ago he got about 24 boxes of cigars in. It was a six-thousand dollar order, so by not paying me he got a third more cigars than he would have been able to otherwise. In the middle of winter I wouldn't do something like that except for a week or a few days because it's too hard for him to catch up and he'd wind up too far behind. But right now I can pay my bills with what I'm making working for Jim and I just think of this as a forced savings. Things are getting busier, and during the summer money really isn't a problem, and 2 grand is nothing. I'm not worried about getting the money, and I'm trying to allow him to keep putting it off until Memorial Day so that we can have as many cigars on the shelf as possible. The more stuff there is the more people buy, the more word of mouth will spread that we have a good selection, etc. It's a kind of investment. I was hoping to be able to even put things on my credit card for him, but I haven't been able to do that yet. Like I said, money is never a problem here during the summer, so I'd get that money back, and the better he does the more bills he can pay and get out of debt, and the more the business can succeed.

This week, if we start Wednesday, I've so far worked 47 hours. I started at 6 AM Wednesday morning, worked til 11 PM, then came and opened the store Thursday morning, went to therapy, came back and worked the rest of the day, started at 6 AM Friday, went to Brooklyn to pick up a car for Jim and bring it back, then did his errands, left at 6 and came to close the store, and I opened this morning. I made $430 just working for Jim, and both jobs are starting to compete for my time. Almost every day now Besim calls me to come in at some point. I'm scheduled for 30 hours at the store, but I probably put in 35 or more. With Jim I, for the most part, work from Tuesday morning til Wednesday night, and 5 or 6 hours on Friday. The first two days I get paid for about 24 hours. He doesn't pay me to sleep even though we stay in Brooklyn, but it's not that big a deal because for the most part the hours I get paid for are sitting around reading a book or hanging out with him or the people who work in the shop. So I get about 60-70 hours a week, and I'm working 7 days a week now. That's going to translate into a lot of money, and I just have to see how long I can keep it up. There are a couple of days where I don't have to get up super early, so I should be able to catch up on sleep if I miss out because of the long days.

I don't know how long it's going to be before I can get a place of my own. I'm going to start looking at the end of this month, beginning of next, when it'll be a more realistic possibility. I'm floundering at home, and my anxiety is tough to deal with. I feel like someone is always looking over my shoulder and that I'm never doing enough or making enough progress. I've faltered in new routines several times, and part of that is just living with other people and feeling like if I don't spend time with them that I'm not doing the right thing. I really need my own place. I wind up not spending time with anyone but not working on my art or exercising, then when I'm motivated, the guilt of that unspent time keeps me from those things.

I'm trying to figure out with my psychologist how to tackle this problem, which has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. It was more easily dealt with in college because I had deadlines, and if I could somehow make them for myself then I'd be able to force myself to work a lot more. I think the quote I put at the top is a good starting point. I've been told for the longest time about my potential, and I avoid having to approach the subject of exhibiting my work by not having enough done. The reason I subconsciously sabotage myself and avoid these things is that I cherish the fact that I've never been put down, never had a reality check about my work. I don't think that much of it in my own mind. In reality I'm very humble about my abilities in any subject, and it's hard for me to compare myself to others without feeling insecure. I can be a great artist in my own mind the way things are, but the idea of trying to do it in practice is scary. What if I fail? What if no one likes what I'm doing or thinks it's any good?

I have to find an answer for this problem sooner rather than later. I'm afraid of having an empty life.

Still working on the move. I've worked about 14 days straight at this point. Since I paid off some of my credit cards I'm going to purchase some stock with Besim and have him pay me back within 30 days so we don't get charged interest. It's only a few thousand dollars, but it'll be easy to recoup with the season coming on now. Hopefully if we do that once or twice we can get stock up to a good enough level that he'll be selling enough to raise his purchasing power. The better the store does the better it is for me, because I'll get more hours and I might one day actually get a raise. The more stock he has going into next winter the better off he'll be as well. That's usually the time of year when it's hardest to get things on the shelf.

The new location is amazing. It's got great energy, and the way we arranged things looks really good. People are going to really enjoy coming here, and that'll mean more business. All in all things are looking up. Between my two jobs I'm going to have more work than I can handle this summer. We've been working so late here that I haven't had a chance to do much drawing, just a couple of hours here and there. The moving part is basically done, now it's just unpacking and rearranging things. Once that's more or less done and we get back to normal hours I'll have more time to do artwork.

I'm really enjoying myself. Lots of people I haven't seen in awhile are coming in and chatting. It's been a lot of hard work, but I take pleasure in seeing things come together and knowing I had a huge part in making it happen.

I've been helping Besim move into his new space this past week, working 9AM to midnight all weekend, and we're still not finished. There's a lot to do, but this space is so much nicer than the last one that I'm really excited about it. Maybe I'll get some pictures and document the process of becoming so that I have a record of it.

I just bought a few pieces from Gilt Groupe and ordered a custom made shirt and a new tie from Indochino. I haven't gotten around to doing the suit yet. I want to get a tailor to measure me and compare my own measurements with those so that I have less chance of having to do a bunch of alterations.

I haven't started the dating site thing yet. I just don't really feel like dealing with all of that right now. Unless I could find someone where it was actually equal give and take I just don't have the patience to deal with someone who's going to expect me to wait on them hand and foot and be at their beck and call 24/7. I'm enjoying having my own life and not having to cater to anyone else. I'm frankly sick and tired of people my age, and I don't regret leaving most of the people that are out of my life now behind. I can't say that I miss anyone who could, with a straight face, tell me to grow up while they have no job and have leeched off of their parents ever since leaving college. I needed to mature a bit, sure. But I don't need people in my life who are so obsessed by their own petty narcissistic delusions of grandeur that they throw away years of friendship.

Question your assumptions.