I've been talking with my psychologist and thinking myself about my interest in physics and astronomy, and it's strange, but I feel more free now than I have in a long time to do what I want. The more I think about going back to school to get another degree, the more the idea appeals to me. Even if I wind up selling drawings and being an artist, to me no education is wasted. Besides, I've always been so interested in the inner workings of the universe and I can never get enough information about it. It would be daunting to have to go through calculus and basic math again, and I'm sure there would be a lot of chemistry and calculations that I'd have to learn, but I want to explore the idea anyway. My therapist suggested I go to Brookhaven National Lab and talk to the scientists there. Apparently they have what is essentially an open house at the collider they built there, and it's free. I could at least find out what I'd be getting into, and if that's not enough of an explanation there's nothing that says I can't send an email to someone who works at an observatory or at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. I was watching a show called "The Planets" the other day, and the episode was all about the Mars missions and Voyager and Galileo, and there was a scene with a room of scientists, right at the moment where they recieved confirmation that their first probe had successfully landed on Mars, and they all cheered. I wished with every fiber of my being that I could have been part of that, to be in that room and share in that excitement. It sounds a little far fetched even to me, but I think that I put myself down unnecessarily in college by thinking I wasn't smart enough to be a scientist, or that I wouldn't like doing the math and that would ruin it for me. I think I'd even enjoy something like being a paleontologist. Next to the universe outside of Earth's atmosphere, the biology of living things that existed millions of years ago is the most exciting thing I can think of. I can literally eat up any and all information on dinosaurs, and the history of the Earth from the first life forms is just fascinating. It's not something I could do right now, but I want to save these thoughts for the somewhat near future, when it might be possible to actually do these things.

I also got on the subject of skydiving and flying today with someone, and it made me realize that I really want to paraglide or skydive or something. Even if it was just once and I didn't want to do it again, I think that's something I'd find really exciting. I don't know why, up to this point, I never thought more about things like this, but I'm realizing I can really do whatever I want. Once I get out of debt the world will be open. I heard a physicist say the other day that what he does is a creative process, and that's when it really hit me that I could do this. I could make that dream happen and actually be good at it. A lot of discovery is just figuring out how to test different ideas, and I've always been good at visual spacial problem solving. I may never be a candidate for MIT, but I could figure out a way to test a theory that revolutionizes our understanding of quantum physics, or the universe at large. Who knows? It's at least worth thinking about and doing a bit of research.

In other news, I did get my brother's old guitar working, and it sounds perfect. I haven't had a chance to play much, but I went through a couple of songs that I know. I'm pretty rusty, but it felt great to make music again.

I have a long day helping Jim put in a new service at his house tomorrow. He offered me extra work helping the electricians and the low voltage guys dig and pull wire, and since I've done that kind of thing before I took him up on it. It's going to be a tough day, but it'll allow me to get some exercise and make money at the same time. Tuesday will probably be a lighter day, and we might go into the city briefly on Wednesday. I have to work all day Thursday for Besim, so I have to skip my usual appointment. He had to backtrack out west because of snow on the roads, so I may wind up working Friday for him as well. Yay.