My psychologist and I are going to talk about referring me for medication. I've been resistant to taking that step so far, firstly because I wasn't sure if I needed anything more than the supplements and some exercise. That's probably true for my depression, but it's certainly not in the case of my anxiety. I was worried about taking something because of my tendency to abuse substances in the past. However, my psychologist and I both agree that if I have something that helps with my anxiety/depression that I won't feel the need for drugs. I was essentially self medicating, taking things because they helped me get through the day, accomplish things, etc. But it got out of hand, and what I was taking was too strong and not really what I needed. Sometimes it was the complete opposite of what I needed. So I'll have to start talking to my boss about health insurance to get that covered, although if it's not expensive I might be able to handle it myself. I should have health insurance anyway, and I'd like to get dental as well. I'm trying to take care of myself, and I'm starting to think that medication might be what I need to get to the next level of function in my life.

I'm still consistently experiencing some small setbacks, although overall I feel I'm getting better. It's frustrating when your body and your brain conspire to keep you immobile, and all you want to do is be free. Sometimes, when it was really bad, I felt like I was stuck in a swimming pool with 6 foot high sides and no ladder. It took so much effort to get anything done. Some days I still feel like that, and it would be okay to take a day off here and there like a normal person, but I beat myself up for it. That makes it even harder to get anything done, because the next day I start criticizing myself for not getting enough done and taking the day off. Then I wind up talking myself into doing nothing because I'm worthless anyway and none of it will matter. It was a vicious circle that I had to break to start setting goals and getting things squared away in my life so that I can be monetarily and psychologically free. I long for that feeling, and everything that I do is aimed at a feeling of accomplishment. The problem is that accomplishment is hard for me to feel good about when it's not something big. I think about all the other things that I need to do and it makes what I have done feel like nothing. Like the finish line keeps moving away from me even when I'm running full speed. I think that I should at least try medication. I know now, from having a lot of days where I don't feel like this that I could feel better than I do.

What I've done has been through willpower and hard work, as well as a little bit of help from the supplements, but they're really not the final answer. They helped me get this far, and now it's time to re-evaluate and figure out where I am and how to make things a little bit easier so that I can realize my potential. It's there, seething under the surface, creativity and music and ideas and goals and wants and flights of fancy that I wish I could undertake. But there's something still holding me back from moving past the best that I've been so far in my life. I don't want that to be where I stay. It's not the place I really want to be, I just got used to it and stopped thinking that I was the type of person who had ambition. I do, I just worry too much, and criticize myself for not being smart enough, or hard working enough, or talented enough, whatever it might be. That's why it's so hard to start a project and finish it if its going to take longer than a week. My drawings are something I'm passionate about, but I'm crippled by anxiety and it feels like I can't finish them no matter how hard I try. I put them down as not good enough, and ask myself why I should bother. I work on them anyway, but I could put in more time if I let myself see how well spent that time is. Right now I can't see enough progress on a day to day basis to put in the long hours that I need to. I'm proud of myself for doing as much as I have, but I can do better. That applies to a lot of other areas of my life, so it's not just one thing that's affected.

There's still something that needs analyzing and fixing, but I'm getting closer to figuring things out. Therapy has helped a lot. I've been able to define for the first time since I can remember who I am and what I want out of life, who I'd like to be and the things that are important to me. There are people that I had to leave behind that I miss, but some of them were not good influences on me, and some of them enabled my self destruction and made it hard to feel good about myself. As much as I wish I could have those people in my life, I don't even want them there right now, because I'm doing well by myself. I've been hesitant to meet a lot of new people and make new friends because it's very easy for me to disregard my own needs and responsibilities when other people are around. People that I admire or respect have a lot of influence on me, whether they know it or not, and my desire to please people makes me get in my own way a lot of the time. This is where I need to be in order to be a whole person. It's not what I necessarily want or desire at the moment, but it's becoming more and more clear that leaving certain things behind was for the best. Not that it should have turned out this way, but with the state I was in, this is what had to happen. I've been able to forgive myself for the things I've done, and I take responsibility for what I did wrong. It's frustrating that other people can't see what they did wrong, but even if they did it probably wouldn't change anything for me at this point. I want to keep pushing ahead, and when I'm ready I'll come out of my shell. I have to build a solid foundation for myself, then I can incorporate more people and outside influences into my life. Right now I'm still not well equipped to handle all of them. Simplicity is key until I feel more secure.