There's a corner being turned, here. I'm going to take the opportunity to try medication and see how it works. As I've said, I made a lot of progress just by changing my routine and my habits, but there's something still out of reach. I feel like a better person than I was, more energetic, happier, more relaxed. I know my actions make it seem like I was really crazy, and not just badly affected by depression. Without a job, feeling like I had no emotional support, things got pretty bad. They had never been like that before, and my psychologist is positive that it was just the set of circumstances I was in. I knew that at the time, but I was the only person who understood that. No matter how much I protested that it was situational and that I needed time apparently it just wasn't getting through. It became easier to escape than to face reality, and I wasn't being honest with myself or anyone else for a long time. I'm not a victim, I know that. I have things that belong to me, that I have to deal with that are nobody else's problem. I was stuck in a rut for a long time, and being unhappy made me take the easy way out. It took enormous pressure to move me from where I was, to get to where I am. I know that I'm not completely cured. Depression is not something you cure, per se, but it's also not something that has to impact your life in any significant way if it's treated. I know that I still have to reach the goals that I've set for myself in order for all of this to mean something.

But, I feel good about myself and what I'm doing. I pay attention to little things and watch how different things affect me and how I react to situations so I can figure out the best way forward. There is no doubt in my mind about what I can achieve if I continue to push myself. I want to prove that nagging voice that was always in the back of my head wrong. The one that said you've been here before, or somewhere similar, and you didn't pull yourself out. I didn't have help, then, and I couldn't see the way forward. I couldn't see a future where I was happy so that I could aim for it. I didn't know what direction to go in, and most of the wasted time was spent figuring out if I really wanted to be an artist, if I really belonged where I was, if I should finally just get a job, any job, and stop being picky, what kind of job I'd like if I had a choice... I had no answer for any of those questions, and I was paralyzed by anxiety.

That's in the past, and it feels amazing to have some solid answers for myself, regardless of whether they change over time, I finally understand what it means to really know what you have to do. I don't know how I know, I just do. I have to focus my energy on things that will make me feel better about myself, and make them part of my routine. It takes time to let go, and I haven't been letting myself do that. I don't know how, to be honest. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's the only problem I don't have a solution for right now. The only thing I can think of is to keep myself busy and put time and effort into positive growth so that I'm in a better place tomorrow than I was today. It's a process, and it's not going to happen overnight. The changes in my mindset are tangible only to me, because no one wants to hear about them, but they're still real. Only I know what I really think and feel now, and how I was then. These feelings of knowing what I need and what I want are alien. But the ones that relate to what's important to me and how I conduct my life are familiar. To this day I don't know how I managed to let myself go for so long. I just didn't care about myself, and in doing so I went down a self destructive path that pulled others down with me. If there's one thing I regret right now, because of where I wound up, it's not making sure that I took care of my needs and preparing myself for the future. Being alone is not as oppressive as it once was, because it gives me the opportunity to start from square one. It's the most painful way to become who you want to be, but it's the most pure and the most character building experience I'll ever face. I can point to things that went wrong, and the way that other people affected me, and I have every right to be frustrated about the fact that people I thought would be there for me weren't. But I have to be responsible for my own feelings, and I can't let that consume me, just like they should be responsible for their feelings and realize that they can choose to feel this way, or they can realize it's not the way things have to be. Maybe that will come with time. I don't have a leg to stand on or any reason to feel morally superior, and I don't. But regardless of what I did, it doesn't provide a justification for the hurt they caused me that made some of my problems worse. I believe in love and forgiveness being more powerful than hate and anger. I think that holding a grudge and punishing people is not the way to deal with being hurt. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.